~inside out~
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
hahaix. its funny when you go visit your old blog that you ditched aside for like, 4mths? and you read the stuff you posted before just to laugh to yourself at how far you came from that time. like the last post i had before, that girl that i found cute and so unreachable, somehow fate intertwined our lives together.
i still somehow cant believe it. how things worked out. though things are still alittle uncertain, unpredictable and i have to take such small tentative steps into her heart. as somehow, i dont want to hurt her, or my feelings. this is just the second time i felt so strongly of a person. with all my heart out there i feel all the more vulnerable because this seems new to me more delicate and fragile. like our relationship is spun on silken threads of a silk worm or the delicately mouth-blown handicraft of a well-seasoned glass craftsman.
somehow i dont want this dream to end, as if in ending, my life too will cease to exist. im still doubtful of how much she actually likes me and i stupidly admitted that i loved her. those words like petals blowing in the wind, never to return. maybe i should have saved some of my intergrity instead of letting all my petals fall to expose all the feelings of my heart.
i dont know how to feel. emotions wise is like that of a rollercoaster. somehow i cant read her as easily as i would like, and that makes me all the more uneasy and confused. her expression, her gestures, her posture, her words and those expressive eyes. they all speak as if in different foreign tongues all at once, swelling into one beautiful and enchanting unspoken language that i yearn to comprehend. sometimes i think i catch a whisper of something that i might understand, but somehow im too afraid to believe in my empathy now for fear that i might have brashly believe in something i thought that was, but was not. and in turn, thread too hard on the first fallen leaves in the authmn of her heart.
somehow i feel that i do not really know her for her. like a sheet of ice inbetween us, she is still there, yet distant. so near yet so far. how i wish you would understand how much i want to get to know the real you. yet, i sense, that you are somehow afraid to let me see the true beauty of your naked truth. tainted as i was before, having been trampled, you feel twice as shy to blossom in that innocence of complete loving trust as you might had once before.
would you gently wash away the mud, unfold those creased petals and plant back that rose bud to watch it unfurl as it tried to once long ago? to give that rose a chance to blossom radiantly as it should have once upon a time............................
